Now that I am blissfully married to the most perfect man in the world for me - not to brag, it is simply a fact - I have thrown away and crushed those rose colored glasses I used to wear in the world of singlehood. Now when I talk to men what I used to see as cute and flirty, I see as juvenile and annoying.
Being single was a blast and there are a lot of great guys out there. They're the ones that are kind, respectful boyfriends that may turn into amazing husbands or just a fabulous memory of your youth. But there are a lot of losers out there and I am amazed at what my friends and I were willing to look past to see that good guy "underneath it all." The truth is, most men in their late teens, early twenties don't have much going on underneath. Most of the time, what you see is what you get.
So why are women able to see a bad thing until that bad thing is right next to them whispering sweet-nothings? I failed to see the red flags a lot. In fact, I wasted two years of college not seeing these red flags. Then I realized these men are wonderful friends and horrible partners. I saved myself from a lot of wasted time and hurt feelings. And when I stopped putting up with the bullshit guess what happened? I stumbled upon Mr. Right.
So I have gathered tips purely from observation and a little from personal experience. Thank God I managed to dodge most of these bullets. But unfortunately many a friend have been hit. My sister started college a few days ago, and if there's anything I can do to fade those rose-colored glasses down for her and save her from these fools, well then here are some pointers for her and anyone else still settling for less-than-spectacular. Here are six surefire red flags.
1. He has a conversation with himself. You can bench press twice what I weigh? Really? Wow. NOT. You drank 20 beers at a kick-ass party the other night and didn't even feel buzzed. Wow, I can't control this incredible urge to jump in your manly arms and let you carry me off into the sunset. You have a jacked up huge truck that could totally maul that dude's sports car? Making up for something else, perhaps? Stop trying to make yourself look cool. Girls don't think it's cool when you brag about your accomplishments. Especially accomplishments that are, in fact, only accomplishments in the world of douchebaggery.
2. Talking about ex-girlfriends. Is this seriously supposed to impress us? Every girl has been there. A guy has honed in on you. He is totally into you. So into you, in fact, that after beer number seven he decides to spill EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. of his last relationship. He makes sure to add, "but she was a total psycho" at the end of every sentence. Obviously this is total reassurance for us that you no longer harbor any feelings. Then after an hour long drunken soliloquy, he goes in for a sloppy kiss. Please do what I always did ladies. As soon as you hear, "You're so much different than the last girl I dated. God she ruined my life. Well, how do I explain her?" For the love of God, ruuuuuuuuun. Or introduce him to your frenemy at the other end of the bar (I am guilty of this one).
3. He disrespects his Mama. If you have never had the pleasure of meeting one these gems, let's take an example form my personal dating diary. I dated this awesome guy in college. He was so sweet to me. He never had a wandering eye. He was a totally hot, tall and thin "personal trainer." Now take everything I just said and say it in the most sarcastic of voices. He was a Grade-A Loser. He was an only child who's Mom was a mother hen. She loved her boy and she was a very sweet woman (no sarcasm here). He treated her horribly. He would tell her to "shut up woman." He would hang up on her. He would call her a "bitch." I learned quickly men like that are NEVER going to make it work with any self-respecting woman. EVER. If you're dating a man like that. Run. Seriously. Because guess how those men end up treating their wives? Bada bing, bada boom. There are always a few exceptions in this world but most men with a sweet mother, who disrespect them for no apparent reason other than being total spoiled brats, end up being wife-beating alcoholics. At least they have those cute little beer bellies you can rub like a Buddha. Oh the joys. A man who disrespects his Mama is a no-go.
4. He swears he doesn't cry - and really doesn't. A lot of men I have met, my husband included, have proclaimed this. It's a cute guy thing, but if they carry it out and really don't cry? Come on! It's not the 1950s anymore, it's OK for guys to cry. Seriously. I think it is so endearing and makes a man more of a man to be able to show emotion. And I have seen every man in my life (dad, grandfather, etc.) cry at least once - even if they have to put their sunglasses on to hide it. And Lord knows my husband is a cryer. And you know what? It is absolutely one of my most favorite things about him. Hiding your emotions is so old school. Girls want the real deal, boys. And we know God didn't make you sans tear ducts. So quit frontin'.
5. He plans your life together the first night you meet. To any woman sick of the dating scene and ready to settle down, a man like this seems too good to be true. Ninety-nine percent of the time, he is. He tells you excitedly he can't wait to take you to his favorite fishing hole. He can't wait for you to taste his Mom's secret, homemade apple pie recipe - she's going to love you by the way. He loves New York City and wants to take you there - what are you doing next weekend? He swears! He'll prove it! So what do most self-respecting women do? Well, by the end of the night she has confirmed that this is her future husband, so use your imaginations. The morning after he kisses her goodbye and makes plans for later in the day. She anxiously awaits his call. In the meantime she has probably perused Expedia.com checking to see which flight he might book. She's probably googled his hometown and envisioned their long ride in his car down there, windows down, stopping for soft-serve ice cream and naming their future dogs and children. She has definitely stalked his Facebook. But he never calls. She tells her friends he's probably just doing the "three day" rule. Yea, right. Fast forward to six months later. You five vodka/sodas into the night see him intensely conversing in the corner of the bar with another sucker-punched girl with stars in her eyes. You may or may not follow the girl to the ladies room and whisper in her ear that he has The Clap and spreads it like wildfire. All's fair in love and war, right? Ladies, please see past this bullshit. Because underneath that pile of poo is an insecure jerk who will say ANYTHING for a roll in the hay.
6. Frosted tips in their hair. No. Just run. Enough said.
Red flags my friends. Watch out.
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